In 2019, when I created my current social media profile, I started it with the intention of holding myself accountable on my weight loss & wellness journey. I had no expectations and simply posted what I was doing, my failures and triumphs. But as my account began to gain traction and I was consistently getting praised for my weight loss, I started to become self conscious about what I posted. My motivation became more about the popularity of my posts versus the ACTUAL reason I even created the account.
In the beginning stages of my page, I documented myself trying things such as keto (that was a no-go once I got the “keto flu”), mini fasts (12–16hr), and incorporating new types of workouts. But as time went on and I began to get praise for my emerging physique, I decided to up the ante. I would fast for 18–24 hours and work out rigorously; doing 2 workouts daily including dance workouts and weight training. It felt great to finally see my body doing what I wanted it to do for so long. But because I was starting to attach my sense of worth wholeheartedly to how much weight I could lose and my looks, it became so much easier to spiral when I began to gain the weight back. And to be honest, I’ve always had self-image issues so this was nothing new but as I started to get deeper into health & wellness while losing weight- I became obsessed with my “accomplishment”.
When I moved mid-pandemic, it was harder for me to get my steps in because I wasn’t waitressing anymore, walking the streets of NYC and all my college courses were virtual. Although I was still working out, I simply wasn’t moving enough to offset all the calories I was consuming, consequently leading to me gaining some of the weight back. Instead of rolling with the punches and giving myself grace, I became even more depressed. I was ashamed of myself and the craziest part is I was more ashamed because I felt like I let down the people that were under all my pics telling me how “great” I looked and how “inspiring” I was. This caused me to start posting less and archive certain posts- I didn’t want my self-perceived failure to be documented or seen. I felt undeserving of the platform I began to build because it just felt like I wasn’t who people thought I was. Imposter syndrome got the best of me.
But when I took a step back and started to truly get to know myself, I realized that the people I want behind me are people that support me for my authenticity and vulnerability. As someone that is realizing their worth outside of what they can provide to others and their appearance, I’m once again reevaluating my presence on social media & how I want to show up. This experience and my feelings surrounding it have caused me to confront my own internalized fatphobia and relationship with diet culture. While it doesn’t feel great when you’re in the thick of it, going through the motions and feeling these things — it sure does feel great to see the whole picture once you do.
